Kiss That Nobody Could Miss

Via e-mail. Hilarious, Author: Melvin Durai.

What a year it’s been for Shilpa Shetty. The Bollywood actress has gained immense exposure around the world, grabbing headlines in major newspapers and getting every TV host in America, even the national ones, to mangle her name.

Shetty first drew worldwide attention when she appeared on the British reality show “Celebrity Big Brother” and endured offensive comments from other contestants, triggering protests in India and the requisite effigy-burning. (More effigies are burned in India than in any other country in the world, according to Raj Sharma, spokesman for the Indian Effigy Manufacturers Association. George W. Bush has been burned in effigy numerous times, but isn’t quite in the Top Ten. (The only way for him to move up would be to join the Indian cricket team.)

Shetty’s activities have been a boon to the effigy industry. Three months after winning “Celebrity Big Brother,” she was embroiled in another controversy, having made the mistake of standing too close to Hollywood star Richard Gere.

The pair were at a televised AIDS awareness event in New Delhi, appearing on stage in front of thousands of people, when Gere kissed Shetty on the hand, embraced her, bent her backwards and kissed her several times on the cheek. To some onlookers, it looked like a demonstration. Gere was showing everyone that you can’t get AIDS, of course, by kissing a Bollywood actress. (You can’t get AIDS by kissing anyone else either, but you can get slapped. Trust me, I know.)


Many men in the audience were naturally upset. It was rude of Gere, even disgraceful, not to invite them to participate. “Demonstration is all well and good,” one man said. “But we wanted to see for ourselves that it’s safe to kiss Shilpa. We were ready to form a neat line.”

Some political activists and others in India were outraged by Gere’s act. They called it “obscene” and “vulgar,” causing millions of youngsters to go online to view it. “We were very disappointed,” a teen-aged boy said. “She kept her sari on the whole time.”

Many others felt that Shetty acted improperly. “She didn’t resist at all,” said a middle-aged Mumbai woman. “She could have pushed him away. She could have pepper-sprayed him or something.”

Several young women from Chennai insisted they would have acted differently. “I’m a Christian,” one of them said. “If Richard Gere kissed me passionately on the cheek, I’d show him the other cheek.”

Most of the anger on the streets was directed at Gere. Protesters, egged on by political activists, didn’t just burn effigies of Gere, they beat them with sticks. That sparked a dozen more protests, most of them organized by PETE (People for the Ethical Treatment of Effigies).

Shetty said people were overreacting and that Gere was just being sweet, prompting an Indian tabloid to print a tongue-twister of a headline: “Shapely Shilpa Shetty shockingly shows no shame!”

Then a lawyer filed a complaint accusing Gere of an “indecent act” and a judge in Rajasthan issued an arrest warrant for Gere. He faced a potential penalty of three months in prison, a fine or both. He’d better watch out or he could find himself sharing a cell with a burly man named Munna.

Gere: “Hello, what are you in here for?”
Munna: “Armed robbery. I robbed a bank and shot three people. What about you?”
Gere: “Kissing.”
Munna: “Oh my God! You kissed someone?”
Gere: “Yes, but it was just an innocent ...”
Munna: “Guards! Get me out of here! I don’t want to be with this man.”
Gere: “Come on, relax. I’m harmless.”
Munna: “Stand back, man! Don’t come near me with those lips!”

Gere has apologized for the kiss, saying he was just mimicking a scene from his 2004 movie “Shall We Dance” and evidently misread Indian customs. He plans to continue visiting India, but from now on will wear a hockey mask in public to keep himself from kissing anyone.

His experience might give people the impression that public kissing does not occur in India, that no one ever does it. But that’s not true at all. A few cases of public kissing have been recorded.

In 2001, for example, a Delhi man and his wife won a new Maruti car in a contest. The man was pictured in the Times of India planting a loving kiss on the front bumper. The next day, members of the right-wing group Shiv Sena burned effigies of the man. Some accused the man of “auto-erotic behaviour.”

In 2004, a Madurai man was spotted kissing a donkey. The donkey belonged to the man’s boss, a flour merchant. The man was arrested and taken to court. “It’s my wife’s fault,” he told the judge. “She told me that if I want the boss to give me a promotion, I need to kiss his ass.”

N.B. Gere is now scot free after a public apology. Judge who issued the arrest warrant however has been transferred. Div had her own take on Shilpa Shetty a while back. Published for your perusal. Fictional but provoking.

A "WHAT IF" story

As we all know, Jade Goody, Shilpa Shetty's co-star in Big Brother, and the one who got even Tony Blair talking about racism has been invited by the government of India 'to visit India and experience the country's healing nature.'

Lets assume Goody will accept the invitation; after all she would want to be 'cleansed' of the bigotry she discovered she carries within herself.

Jane boards Kingfisher airlines, one of the up and coming 'cool' domestic airlines that now fly all over India, and the moment she enters, she has an astonished look on her face.

"Is anything the matter Ms. Goody" ask the indian official who has been assigned to be assist with her Indian Government sponsored 'healing programme'.

"Yes!" says Ms. Goody, "I thought Indians were brown!"

"Most of us are" said the Indian official, happy to help her in the discovery of the Indian people.

"Then why are the flight stewardesses so fair. That woman is probably whiter than me!"

"The Kingfisher airline is very particular!" says the official proudly, "They only pick the most beautiful women to be their stewerdesses."

"What about the brown skinned women?"

"The darkies!" exclaimed the official, "Why would they want to hire some ugly dark skinned woman?"

Miss Goody then opens the Times of India and the matrimonial section catches her eye. The official notices. "Are you planning on getting married?" he enquires politely. Ms Goody seems excited, "I don't think I'll have a problem in your country!" she adds.

"Why madam?"

"All the ads are asking for a fair skinned bride, and as you can see, I'm very fair skinned myself."

The two spend the rest of the journey uneventfully, and they finally land at the capital, New Delhi. Jade and the government official walk out of the plane and they are waiting at the baggage collection area.

A beareded man recognises Jade and comes towards her, holding out his autograph book and pen.

"Don't" hisses the government official, as he steers her away.

"He wants my autograph" she added, puzzled and a bit hurt, "how sweet of him. Why did you stop me?"

"Have nothing to do with him!" whispers the official staring daggers at the bearded man.

"Why not?" asks a puzzled and very confused Jade.

"He is from the scheduled caste! It will not help to be seen talking to him! People like him are only trouble."

"So?" asks Miss Goody, genuinely puzzled, "isn't he an Indian?" Jade looks expectantly at the official who has been designated to help heal her. The official had no answer for her.

She then pulls out her Lonely Planet Guide and opens the book to an earmarked page. She shows it to the official. "I would like to visit this religious place that I have heard so much about!" she gushes.

The official looks at her with a frown. "Oh no Madam! It is not possible."

Taken aback at his fierce response, she asks "Why not?"

"The temple is only open to men, women are not allowed; they will pollute the holy temple."

It is a slightly different Jade who finally lands up in Bombay where she meets her fellow housemate Shilpa for the first time after the gameshow. "Shilpa!" she yells.

"Hi Jade!" says Shilpa, turning around to smile for the hundreds of cameras. "How is the healing coming along?"

"You bitch" murmurs Jade under her breath concious of all the rolling cameras, "you've got more bigotry, chauvinism and racism here than was found on our show! You've grown up with it, what made you shed all those tears?"

"Ah!" says Shilpa, "I'm a good actress no?"

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